Run-a-way Trains

There are times when I feel like my life is like a run-a-way train. There I sit, wearing my overalls and striped conductor's hat, up in the engine compartment frantically trying to understand what is happening. The train is going, or so it seems to me, at breakneck speed completely out of control. Surely derailment is about to happen around the next bend.

I desperately look at all the flashing lights, knobs and gauges before me and haven't a clue as to what I am supposed to do. Fortunately I happen upon a manual on the floor entitled, 'Run-a-way Train Manual'. Understanding technical manuals can be a challenge during the most settled and quiet of times but reading one while you are bobsledding towards disaster is near impossible and only exasperates the situation.

"Okay," I say, taking a deep breath as the wind rushes by the open side windows. "I can do this! I'll just take one thing at a time! Flashing amber lights! There's lots of flashing amber lights on the console! I'll look up flashing amber lights in the manual!"

I look in the index and find 'lights, flashing: see pages 437-441'. No matter how many times I read the section I don't understand it. It simply doesn't make sense. However I do, very momentarily, notice a beautiful meadow whizzing past on my right as I glance out the window.

"Forget the amber lights!" I shout, frantic, to the console. (Mental note to self: shouting at inanimate objects is probably not a healthy sign.) "What about all these gauges?! This one goes up to 40 gizzies but this one goes up to 400 gizzies! What the heck is a gizzy??!!! (Additional mental note to self: having a detached, inner dialogue with oneself during a crisis is probably not a healthy sign either, stay focused!!)

Wait, was that a big banyan tree that just streaked by on my left, I love banyan trees.

I look in the index and find 'gauges, gizzy: see section on flashing lights, pages 437-441.'

Okay, I am done and I believe, done for. I sit back in my chair and wait for the impending derailment; there's nothing more I know to do. A peacefulness comes over me, even with my confusion, and I now spend my time watching the scenery flashing by me on either side. A beautiful park where it appears a company picnic is going on. Boys riding skateboards. A small lake with a few scattered sailboats meandering around.

But now I notice, for the first time, that there are other trains around too. Some are going the same direction, parallel to me; others in the opposite direction. And look at that, there is no one hanging out in their engine compartments trying to figure out some crazy manual! I see one train where everyone is in the dinning car laughing. I see another train where the engineer is actually standing on top of his engine, leaning into the wind, arms outstretched with a look of sheer joy and excitement on his face.

Maybe my 'train' is not a run-a-way train after all. Maybe it's just 'really running'. Maybe I don't need to figure it all out. Perhaps what Spirit asks of us is to not be so concerned about trying to figure it all out, make sense of all that happens, understand all the ways our lives are interconnected to others, but rather to simply live our lives, deeply and fully. To be open to what Spirit has placed in front of us and then go by whatever impulse comes to us as a result of that opening.

This is not to undervalue a sense of urgency concerning needing a change that sometimes comes about in our life. It is also possible that Spirit is guiding us that way as well; to open us up to greater truths about who we are. To encourage us to let go of old patterns that no longer serve our highest good. To spur us to conscious action.

The trick is to be able to discern which it is. Am I simply over-obsessing about my life or am I being guided to make some important changes, even if I am unclear as to what those changes might be?

In this moment I allow myself to just fall into what is present for me, right here, right now. I am confused. That is what is showing up. So I open to that, my confusion, and I hold it with loving acceptance. I don't push it away; I don't deny it. I breathe deeply into it. In that space, clarity comes forward.

I put the manual down and join my family and friends in the dinning car. A good time was had by all.

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