Sitting with Resentment

As the owner of Changing Times I get lots of visitors. Some call ahead of time but many stop in unannounced, friends mostly, just stopping in to say hello. We sit together for a few minutes and catch up on each others' lives.

Some visitors of a different nature also come in and sit with me from time to time, definitely unannounced. Some are welcome, some I try to ignore, well for as long as I can anyway. They go by different names.

Resentment is one. He comes and sits in the chair before my desk and makes himself right at home. He props his feet up on my desk, folds his arms across his chest and stares at me. It's not a mean stare, it's actually an inviting stare, one that indicates he is totally present in his experience in that moment and inviting me to join him, to just be present with him.

"Go away," I say. "I'm busy. I have important things to do."

He just looks at me and gives me a gentle smile. He's not going anywhere and we both know it. He makes himself more comfortable, preparing for what may be a long haul.

I get up, leave my office and go out onto the showroom floor to help with customers, straighten the books, count the number of tumbled rose quartz crystals we have in stock (something I have never done). Anything to take my mind off of him, to make him go away.

But he doesn't go away. He's right there. He's like a migraine headache, only in the heart. As I stop to look more closely at one of the crystals that catches my eye he says, "Hmmm, rose quartz. Aren't you always saying rose quartz helps bring a high vibration of self-love? Maybe you should hold on to that one for a while. What do you think?"

In exasperation I turn to him and say, "Look, I don't need self-love! I'm right and they're wrong and that's all there is to it!"

He smiles at me lovingly and says, "This isn't about 'right' and 'wrong'. About who did what to whom. It's about making a higher journey. You know this."

Yes, I know this, intellectually. I 'know it' but I don't 'own it' at the moment. When I own something I know it with every fiber of my being; every cell vibrates to that frequency. It is there that spontaneous manifestation takes place. Take a look at what you have in your life right now, what you are manifesting. That's what you 'own'. If it doesn't serve you, you can change it. But that's for another newsletter.

Right now I am too attached to my anger to change anything.

I turn and walk away, absent-mindedly taking the rose quartz with me. I go for a fast walk around the small lake by the store, trying to leave him behind. It's like trying to out-walk my own shadow.

That night as I lay in bed reading I look over the edge of the book to see him sitting, comfortably, at the foot of the bed, looking at me, patiently, silently waiting. I turn out the light and pull the covers up.

Around 4:00 AM I sit up. I can't sleep. Even in the dark I can still feel his presence. Resentment is still there, just as he was before. He will sit there forever if I let him. I know it's up to me.

Reluctantly, I turn on the light and look at him. He looks back with loving acceptance. At the sight of him now I break down and all the anger, hurt and sadness comes pouring out. He does not speak or move but simply, lovingly, holds the space for me to process what I need to.

After a time I take in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. I am emotionally drained, spent. I turn to Resentment and say, "I surrender. I can't do this anymore. What would you have me know?"

Resentment smiles and gently puts his hand on my foot, still under the covers. "Holding on to me serves no healthy purpose. By doing so you block joy from flowing into your life and through you to others. You may lose the very gifts of this lesson; you may miss the very purpose of these experiences. By virtue of the fact that we're having this conversation indicates there is another way to perceive your experiences, one that will bring you peace. You see, I only come into the picture if there are places where you have forgotten love. That is my purpose, to bring this to your attention. It is never that love doesn't exist, it is only that it has been forgotten. Remember, all experiences, the ones you have recently had and even this one, are either an expression of love or a call for love. There is nothing else and love is always available, all the time, if you are willing to let it in. But you have to let it be in the form Love would chose. This is the key that brings peace. Your higher soul knows the way. All is as it should be. Trust and be at peace."

As I listened to Resentment my heart began to open for all concerned, including myself. I began to see my life from a higher perspective and felt the perfection of life's journey, just as it was, rather than how I thought it should be.

Tears of joyous gratitude flowed from my eyes. As I looked at Resentment I now perceived him as he truly was, not as I had perceived him earlier. He was an angel of beautiful, brilliant light.

Enjoy life's sacred journey,

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