Throwing the spiritual spaghetti against the wall.

The other day after the store closed I was quietly walking around, looking at the various displays, occasionally stopping to pick up and hold an item or book for a few moments. I enjoy doing this, for a couple of reasons. One is that this time affords me the opportunity to simply be with things in a quiet state of mind. I can enjoy the items more then; get a deeper sense of them. Another reason is it really helps me unwind. Oftentimes the day is very busy with 'stuff' needing to be done even if we aren't busy with customers. So I find these moments beneficial in allowing me to relax into the energy of this wonderful space. I know I will miss these moments, among others to be sure, when it comes time for me to sell the store and move on to other adventures.

While I have no immediate plans to sell the store I do think about it from time to time. I have owned it now for almost four and a half years and it has certainly changed my life, both through the actual nature of the work as well as all the people I have met along the way. But I believe I will know when it is time to hand the stewardship to another.

I have a lot invested in the store. There is a huge amount of heart and soul, lots of joy, understanding, more than a few tears and of course a large financial investment.

I also know that I have brought other 'investments' into my work here. Along with all my good intentions I have also brought my unconscious misperceptions about life and the soul's journey. I believe we all are, for the most part, a mixed bag of clarities and confusions. Both of which are constantly being reflected back to us by life. I think that our soul simply wants us to pay attention; to listen to the messages coming our way, so that we may open to continuing deeper layers of authenticity, so that we may discover what is real.

I have discovered for myself that I can fall into a somewhat co-dependent relationship with spirituality. That, in some ways, not all mind you, I can 'do' spirituality so that I will be okay, or as I have come to discover, my concept of okayness. Have you ever been in a relationship where you had a very subtle, or some cases not so subtle, game being played out? It was as if you had some unspoken rule that went something like: "Okay, here's the deal. I will behave a certain way towards you and you will always love me and never leave. You will fulfill all my needs."

It's sort of like that.

There are moments when I am able to be nakedly honest with myself and I see that there are parts of my life, perhaps many more than I am conscious of, that are just created personas. Spirituality has been a part of my life since I was a child. It has just always been there. But sometimes I question my investment in it all. Because I see that I have created personas because of some very subtle beliefs I bought into a very long time ago. An unconscious belief that this is what will make God love me, will allow me to be accepted by others, be prosperous and healthy and bring me a mutually loving relationship with a woman. That essentially, if I can be a certain way, life will open up and receive me, all parts of me, just as I am.

Intellectually I know this is not the case, life is already doing that naturally, but when I look deeply, it is there on a very quiet level. That I 'have to be something' versus just being. And in order to shift something one needs to be able to look it in the eye; to be honest with and about it.

The teachings of A Course In Miracles also speaks to this; that we have a core belief, mostly unconscious, that we have separated ourselves from God and therefore have created all sorts of personas and dramas so that can negotiate ourselves back inside the Kingdom's walls.

Only the Kingdom doesn't have any walls. All of life is within the Kingdom. We never left.

So I question what parts of my beliefs are real; what is my relationship to the personas I have created; who or what exactly am I that has a persona. And for me, the best way to test them is to challenge them, to look if it feels authentically true or not.

Sort of like throwing the spiritual spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks.

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