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You are more than...Recently a woman came into the store looking for something that might give her husband some encouragement. He was battling a serious illness and it was taking a huge toll on him, on both of them. It was obvious from her comments that the situation was becoming desperate and he needed something that might at least help him regain his emotional footing. Something that might give him some strength for the journey ahead. I offered her some possible selections by Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron, Mark Nepo and Bernie Siegel.
After she left I was thinking of her and her husband, and how much courage it takes on the soul level to undertake such a powerful experience. I started picking up a few other books to see what else I might come across to help anyone struggling with some major situation. One that particularly spoke to this experience is by Dawna Markova and is entitled I will Not Die an Unlived Live, Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. The following excerpt is from Chapter 4, As Is.
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When I was in the hospital being treated for cancer, the one person whose presence I welcomed was a Jamaican woman who came to sweep the floors with a large push broom. Of the fifty or so people that made contact with me in any given day, she was the only one who wasn’t trying to change me, the only one who didn’t stick things in, take things out, or ask stupid questions. For a few minutes each night, she rested her broom against the wall and sank her immense body into the turquoise plastic chair in my room. All I could hear was the sound of her breath going in and out, in and out. It was comforting in a strange and simple way. My own breathing settled down, following hers, and became calm.
One night she reached out and put her hand on my foot. I could have sworn she was saying two words with each breath, one on the inhale, one on the exhale: ‘As…is… As...is...
On her next visit, she looked at me. No evaluation in her in her buttery brown eyes, no trying to figure me out. She just looked and saw me completely. Then she said quietly, firmly, “You’re more than the sickness in your body.” The words seemed larger and fuller than herself.
I kept mumbling those words to myself throughout the following day, “I’m more than the sickness in this body.”
When the nurse came with my shot of morphine the next night, I refused it. I wanted to find out if my if my nighttime angel was real or a drugged hallucination. An hour or so later, I heard the sound of her broom brushing against the marble hall floors. Her body filled up the whole doorway, and cast a long shadow on the floor of my room. She sank into the chair. The pain I was feeling was intense. She breathed loudly, then, after a few minutes, said, “You’re not the pain in that body. It’s there, but you’re more than that pain.”
I reached out for her hand. It was cool and dry. She continued, “You’re not the fear in that body. You’re more than that fear. Float on it. Float above it. You’re more than that pain.” I began to breathe a little deeper as I did when I wanted to float in a lake. I remembered floating in Lake George when I was five, floating in the Atlantic Ocean when I was seven, floating in the Indian Ocean when I was twenty-eight. Without any instructions from me, this Jamaican angel had led me to a source of comfort that was wider and deeper than pain or fear.
It’s been almost three decades since I’ve seen this woman with the broom. I spent months trying to find her when I got out of the hospital, but to no avail. No one could even remember her name, but she touched my soul with her compassionate presence and her fingerprints are there still.
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This excerpt deals with pain and fear but the same awareness can be brought to any experience that feels like it is going to consume you, be it sadness, anger, depression, desperation, betrayal, etc. I hope you find this awareness helpful next time you find yourself in this type of experience.